Arguing is already hard enough on a couple, let alone all the unhealthy patterns and characteristics in arguments that I have seen and witnessed that make it even harder. As a matter of fact, researcher John Gottman has identified 6 characteristics, that if not dealt with, often lead to divorce. Here are some of those characteristics:
1. Harsh Startups– If you start the conversation or the conflict harshly, it will end harshly. When couples use a lot of criticism, accusations, and even sarcasm in their conflicts, it can lead to the conflict becoming overblown and more complicated than it should have been.
2. Flooding- This is when you come “at” your spouse with harsh criticism, yelling or even issues that they had believed were taken care of in the past. When you flood your spouse with all sorts of emotions all at once, it can be hard for them to process, communicate and understand what you need.
3. Body Language- When there is a lot of emotions involved, people tend to become defensive or tend to withdraw. The body posture someone exemplifies communicates whether or not they want to continue to be engaged in the conversation or not. Unresponsive, defensive, or nonchalant body language tends to make the other person more upset, heightening the conflict.
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5. Stonewalling- Stonewalling is refusing to repair an issue in the relationship. If a couple is constantly unable to resolve an issue, it can cause hopeless, withdrawal, and can ultimately lead to separation.
6. The four horsemen. Gottman identifies four characteristics that if the occur continuously and in conjunction with one another in a relationship can ultimately lead to the couple disintegrating. The four characteristics are contempt, criticism, defensiveness and stonewalling. These are things we must work to remove from our relationships.
Yes, we all have flaws and faults and are not perfect when it comes to interacting in a relationship. However, these 6 characteristics should be something we constantly attempt to avoid and remove altogether from the way we communicate in order to avoid the destruction of trust and a healthy relationship. Learning to healthily and respectfully interact with your spouse can truly save your marriage and make it unbreakable.
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